It always feels incredibly personal when well recognised names on Church/Christian platforms have both sorrows and scandals. I’ve been reflecting (as many have) on the death of Tim Keller and on a different man from the UK who has been outed/is being investigated for scandals/abuse. This is my response:
there are two men occupying space in my head at present
one American
one British
.
one is tumbling down the dark hole of historic scandal
the type that gathers traction
and newer stories are added and added
.
one has entered into the dark tunnel of death’s goodbye
before the true hello
true to final breath, it would seem, a servant who has given out of intellectual, erudite abundance
with gentle humility
.
they have both done these in the name of Jesus
and my heart is squeezed in strange shapes over them both
I am an apple that has spent two weeks in the bottom of a school bag
there are ripples of bruises
I am sad and angry
.
and we should not aspire for platforms that are not crosses
or influence that is not footwashing
but I do
and I see
how a platform ripples, and ripples out and a woman they have never spoken to
who has listened and listened to their words
is wondering how and why some stay the course
and others tumble down the well shredding the reputation of this kneeling saviour
.
in this moment I am afraid of my own charisma
it feels like a weapon and not a gift
I do not know how this large joy, this colourful personality
this largesse
can serve with safety
can hold the gravity of a crucified saviour
how we can be safe, holy, faithful servants
.
I was wrong – these men are not occupying my head
they are resting, wrestling large in my heart
and I am crying tears in an airport lounge over a vocation I do not know and fear I cannot do
.
.
That’s me today, holding how so easily our ‘gifts’ become weapons, how our actions, our very lives are seen, and felt and heard by people we meet and those we don’t. May we tread lightly, in awe and with great care.
Miriam Jessie x
a blog by Miriam Jessie Fisher 
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